Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Brutal Golden Globes Opening Monologue

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler performed the opening monologue at the Golden Globe Awards from two different coasts — Fey in New York and Poehler in Los Angeles. They took no prisoners prisoners, going after the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for the revelation that it has absolutely no black members, tearing apart the critically panned (but inexplicably Golden Globe-nominated) Sia film Music, and even referring to some of the nominees as "a lot of flashy garbage" and award shows themselves as "stupid." 

Among the best burns, which came at a rapid-fire pace:

• After noting the celebrities would be virtual, they mentioned what is usually going on in the crowd during the Golden Globes, including Poehler quipping "Quentin Tarantino crawling under the tables, just touching people's feet." 
• "The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is made up of around 90 international no-black journalists who attend movie junkets each year in search of a better life."
• After a series of jokes about the differences between movies and TV, Fey noted "We watch TV and movies differently. Like, in movies, it's called human trafficking, but on TV, it's called 90 Day Fiancé."
• "Mank is short for Mankiewicz, the name of the screenwriter of Citizen Kane, and that is the only thing they shortened." 
• "The Queen's Gambit is whatever James Corden was up to in The Prom." 
• "The thing I love about Aaron Sorkin's writing is he can have seven men talking, but it feels like a hundred men talking."
• "The Undoing was a sexy and dramatic mystery where Nicole Kidman's coat is accused of murdering her wig." 
• "Soul is a beautiful Pixar animated movie where a middle-aged black man's soul accidentally gets knocked out of his body and into a cat. The HFPA really responded to this movie because they do have five cat members." 
• "Emily in Paris is nominated for Best TV Series, Musical or Comedy, and I for one can't wait to find out which it is. French Exit is what I did after watching the first episode of Emily in Paris." 
• "Sia's controversial film Music is nominated for Best International Floperoonie. I don't want to get into it, guys, but it's real problematic, and Twitter is saying it's the most offensive casting since Kate Hudson was the Weight Watchers spokesperson." 
• "Everybody is understandably upset at the HFPA and their choices. Look, a lot of flashy garbage got nominated, but that happens. That's like their thing. But a number of black actors and black-led projects were overlooked."
• "We all know that award shows are stupid... the point is that even with stupid things, inclusivity is important, and there are no black members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I realize, HFPA, maybe you guys didn't get the memo because your workplace is the back booth of a French McDonald's, but you gotta change that." 

These were not all the jokes, of course, and there was time for silliness and light fun as well, but these were the particularly pointed jabs that did not shy away from shaming the very show they were hosting. 

Andy Hunsaker has a head full of sitcom gags and nerd-genre lore, and can be followed @AndyHunsaker if you're into that sort of thing.